Vancouver, British Columbia CANADA
My Father: Where is he going?
Me: Looks like he is going to the bathroom, Dad.
My Father: Well, I hope he doesn't think he is going to sit in there for 30 minutes just reading. I plan on taking a shower here soon.
Me: Well, I'm sure he's not JUST reading when he goes in there. There is probably some pooping going on in there too. I can't really say though, I have never monitored him. When do you need to shower?
My Father: Soon.
Me: When soon? Like now, 30 minutes from now, 5 minutes ago, before you eat, after you eat-when?
My Father: Here in a minute!
(Husband/Son in Law comes back into the room and looks for the sports section of the newspaper)
Me: Hey, my dad wants to get in the shower, could you spend less time in the bathroom?
Husband/Son in Law: I can wait. (leaves room looking for better reading material)
Me: You know, Dad, all you have to do is tell him that you need the bathroom. You got a problem, take it up with him. Not me. It's pretty simple. If someone is in the bathroom and you need to go, you just tell them to hurry up.
My Father: Well, I just don't see why he has to sit in there and read for a half hour. I don't read in the bathroom.
Me: Because it's what HE likes to do. Not everyone is like you. Some people like to read in the bathroom! What's the big deal?
My Father: The big deal is that I had to use the bathroom outside 2 times this week! Every time I have to go he's in there reading! I had to shit out there in the woods.
Me: Oh, please! You did not!
My Father: I sure did! I came in here and got some toilet paper out of the hall closet!
Me: You are lying.
My Father: I am not!
Me: Yes, you are and you should stop because you are lousy at it! You did not crap in the woods.
My Father: I sure did!
Me: You are unbelievable. First of all, most of the times he has been in the bathroom were times you weren't even on the property. You were out at Big Lots or Wal Mart somewhere or where ever it is you go between 8:00 am and noon everyday! Second of all, the other few times you WERE here you were either in bed sleeping or in the middle of your dinner! Thirdly, you are an old man and you do not have the balance to squat in the woods and take a dump so just stop making things up! And if you would rather shit in the woods than knock on the door and say, "HEY, YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO CRAP AROUND HERE," then there is surely something wrong with you! I mean, come on! You would rather pooh in the woods? That's just mental. And it doesn't conjure up much sympathy, if that is your aim. It's simply not true.
My Father: I DON'T NEED TO LIE!
My Mother: He didn't crap in the woods...
Me: You don't need to lie, but you do. You always have. And you lie over the stupidest things! Let's settle this. Are you gonna take a shower now or what?
My Father: In a minute!
My Mother: (to my father under her breath) You are so stupid! What kind of stupid shit is this? Can't you ever act right around people?
I leave the dining area and join my husband in the guest bedroom.
Me: I'm sorry about this. He didn't have to crap in the woods because of you. That's a load. (we laugh)
Husband/Son in Law: I don't really care.
Me: I was wondering how long it would take him to show his ass. You know, he hid the Reader's Digest I put in the bathroom. I had it on the tank, then it was gone. I was looking for a face cloth and there it was, under the face clothes. This has nothing to do with him having to poop. This is all about him thinking that since he doesn't read in the bathroom, NO ONE SHOULD!!! Control issues, man!
Husband/Son in Law: Don't worry about it. I don't care.
I go back to the dining area.
Me: I thought you were all fired up to take a shower! Are you going to shower or what?
My Father: Yeah, I'm going to shower here in a minute.
Me: You know, he could have shit and run the NYC marathon by now. You are just being an asshole, Dad.
My Mother: That's right! He is just being an asshole!
An hour later my father takes his shower then goes to bed. My husband then reads for a half an hour in the bathroom and I pack our bags to leave a day early.