Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

San Francisco, California USA



Me: This is Colin.
Amy Sedaris: Oh, hi, this is Amy Sedaris - you sent me a DVD that you made about Marlon Brando doing a cooking show.
Me: Yes, I got your postcard - thank you.
Amy Sedaris: I sent you a postcard?
Me: Uhh, yeah, it was a while back just acknowledging that you got the DVD but hadn't watched it yet.
Amy Sedaris: Oh, that's right. Well, I finally watched it. Sorry it took so long - I've been busy with a few acting things and making cupcakes and slingin' the hash just shakin my hiney trying to earn a few cents here and there.
Me: Yes, hiney shaking, I think I read something about that.
Amy Sedaris: A good thing never goes out of style.
Me: Good things are terrific.
Amy Sedaris: Like a griddle cake at the crack of dawn.
Me: With a dollop of Cool Whip on it.
Amy Sedaris: Oh my gosh, I haven't even mentioned how much I loved your video! It was hi-larious! I watched it at Stephen Colbert's house cuz I don't have a DVD player and we about wet our pants - well, I can't speak for his pants - I didn't check them - but mine were stinky with urine.
Me: I meant to send along a pair of rubber undies - sorry, about that oversight.
Amy Sedaris: (laughing) You should put a warning label on the cover at least.
Me: "Warning: may cause unwanted leakage"
Amy Sedaris: I wouldn't say unwanted - more like unexpected. Personally, I love the feeling of warm pee running down my leg.
Me: Especially on a frosty day.
Amy Sedaris: Does it even get frosty in California?
Me: Well, I'm from Boston originally so I've written my name in the snow with my Power Shooter many times.
Amy Sedaris: Power Shooter?
Me: Don't you have a pet name for your "private area"?
Amy Sedaris: Sure, it's Madge - Madge the vag. Sometimes I call it Stinky Puff.
Me: That's sweet. Like a Mystic Mint Cookie dipped in hot fudge.
Amy Sedaris: Do you like to pack the fudge?
Me: You mean Stuffing Martha's Muffin but going in the wrong door?
Amy Sedaris: Speaking from experience Martha has no wrong doors.
Me: She's a real tomcat. Or more like a lemur.
Amy Sedaris: Do you use Cool Whip as lube?
Me: That's a bit personal.
Amy Sedaris: Oh gosh, sorry. I thought we were connecting here.
Me: I'm just kidding - I don't use lube - I like it ruff ruff ruff.
Amy Sedaris: (laughing) I picture you with an eye patch and snarl. Grrrr.
Me: I wish we were having this conversation in person so I could see all your funny faces.
Amy Sedaris: Do you ever get to New York?
Me: Is that in invitation?
Amy Sedaris: Maybe.
Me: Just imagine Cooking With Marlon and Amy.
Amy Sedaris: Why would I get 2nd billing?
Me: When you send a Squaw to accept your Oscar call me.
Amy Sedaris: I would send a clown.
Me: Pokey the Giggolo Clown?
Amy Sedaris: Who?
Me: That was my Holloween costume.
Amy Sedaris: You are just full of good ideas.
Me: Good ideas are like donuts - some of them are full of jelly and some of them are topped with sprinkles.
Amy Sedaris: I like sprinkles.
Me: (quietly) Yeah, sprinkles.
Amy Sedaris: Well, I should probably get truckin'.
Me: You drive a truck too? What a Renaissance woman.
Amy Sedaris: I can double clutch like nobody's business.
Me: I can double dutch bus - maybe we should go out sometime.
Amy Sedaris: Yeah, we can meet in the middle - Boise?
Me: They have the best pie in Boise.
Amy Sedaris: Yeah, especially when I'm in town.
Me: It says right in the brochure, "most romantic place to pack the fudge"
Amy Sedaris: Ok, so it's a date - pie and fudge in Boise. I have some time off in December?
Me: I'll see you in Boise in December. I'll be the one with the Cool Whip container on his a head and a big load of fudge in his pants.
Amy Sedaris: And I'll be the one in the wife beater with a black eye and blueberry pie smeared on my face.
Me: I hope they have a photo booth there cuz that's gonna be my Christmas card.
Amy Sedaris: Ok, bye bye Freddy Fudge Fucker.
Me: Bye, Paula Pie Molester.