Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Potsdam, New York USA



Me: (surprised and hopeful) Hello?
Dylan: Hey.
Me: Umm.. is there something you want?
Dylan: Yah.. (pause) so how have you been?
Me: Pretty good. School is driving me crazy but that's expected, right? *laugh*
Dylan: *half-laugh* Yah I know what you mean.
Dylan: Listen, I do have a reason for calling.
Me: I figured. You haven't called me since I don't know when.
Dylan: I miss you.
Me: (protecting myself) Well, I uh.. I miss you too. I mean I always wanted to keep a friendship. You know that.
Dylan: I know, but I mean I REALLY miss you. Johanna I want you back. I know that sounds strange coming now. I've done everything to push you away and I've hurt you in more ways than a person should ever be hurt, but I love you so much and the feeling has never really gone away.
Me: (floored) Well.. I don't know what to say.
Dylan: I know it's probably the last thing you want to hear right now and you probably don't feel near the same.. but I figured I'd give it a shot.
Me :..you're an idiot you know that.
Dylan: What?
Me: You're such an idiot. I've loved you from the first moment I ever saw you.. am I supposed to just lose that? I dated a guy for 10 months just to prove to myself and you that I was over you. I'd leave things in my away messages hoping you would read them and see how happy I was.. but I was never happy because the only man I've ever loved told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore and I had to let him go.
Dylan: ..I don't.. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot, what can I say?
Me: I had to see you cuddled up with some girl less than a month after we broke up. I chastised myself for everything. Nothing was good enough for you. I hated my body and myself and I constantly compared every piece of myself to her, trying to understand what she had that I didn't. I cried and I drank and I cried and I drank and nothing appeased that..
Dylan: -I'm sorry..
Me: Then one day I say to hell with Brandon, to hell with Brian, to hell with them all! .. and I'm walking to school in a fit of anger and there you are.. you drive me to school and we joke and talk like we used to and there it is again that bastard piece of hope that creeps up on me and I'm trapped again... we talk a couple times and add each other on myspace and facebook again.. but oh no! Brandon didn't tell me his dirty little secret. He's in love with some 18 year old girl who's waist-size is the width of my finger and who's teeth look like they came from a direct descendant of Mr. Ed. Are you serious?! ..it's like breaking up all over again!
Dylan: OK ok. So I've fucked up. I was trying to fill that space in my heart that just felt fucking empty all the time. Am I supposed to hate myself for that?
Me: I don't know.
Dylan: Baby, I love you. I'm an idiot, I know that.. and it's taken me 2 wasteful years to figure that out.. but girl I don't think I could live another day without you. You're all I want.
Me: God! I wish I could just tell you to go fuck yourself, hang-up the phone and be done with you.. but FUCK... I couldn't stop loving you if I tried.. and believe me I have.
Dylan: So you're going to give me a chance?
Me: Let's just be friends and see where that takes us.
Dylan: (sounding relieved) God, I missed you.