Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Chicago, Illinois USA



me: hello?
him: megan?
me: ya?
him: it's me.
me: who's me?
him: well, this is going to sound stupid or silly. you're probably not going to believe me...
me: ya...?
him: but, it's me. the one you've always known. the one you've always known since you first can remember remembering, or people for that matter. i'm the one you've been waiting for since you were about seven. when you were that age i was that best friend. we'd climb trees and lay down in a pile of leaves. we'd compare scabs and scraps - whose had more puss. then we'd just run for hours, no where in particular, but i think we just liked the sound of the wind in our ears and the fell of it against our face back then. and we'd talk about what animal we'd be if we could be any animal, any animal at all.
me: um, (nervous laughter)
him: and later when you were thirteen or so i was the one boy who remained friends with you even though boys and girls weren't really friends anymore. you could be comfortable around me even though you didn't feel comfortable around any boys anymore. i didn't make you feel ugly or childish like some of the other boys did. we were just friends. We still ran and jumped and climbed on things and still swung on the swings - even though it wasn't really cool anymore - and we gossiped occasionally. but, basically we were still those same kids we were when we were seven.
me: ... (silence)
him: in high school we lost touch. probably because you went to that all girls school. you thought about me occasionally. and i thought about you too. you had crushes on other boys - nice boys - but they made you feel a little like those other boys made you feel. one day you heard that i had a girlfriend and were surprised when you realized that you had been sad for more than a few days even though you hadn't seen or spoken to me in almost four years.
me: (silence)
him: are you there?
me: eh hmm. (clears throat) ya. yes. i am.
him: ok. i'm almost done. sorry, but i knew you'd want to hear this. so, yes. aaahh. so, we go our separate ways in college - different ends of the country and you all but forget about me except when you rummage through boxes of old notes and photos and find that picture of us on the couch when we were nine - our feet dangling off the edge. in it we were pouting because your mom yelled at us for breaking that ugly frame while we were reenacting the quicksand scene from the never ending story. that picture makes you laugh, but you always walk away feeling sad after looking at it.
me: (silence)
him: so, i called because it's been a few years since college. you've spent some time with some guys that don't make you feel ugly or silly, but they don't make you feel comfortable with yourself. so, you've been alone pretty much. and you're confused because everyday you feel less and less connected to other people. you've lost that security you used to feel - that there was always someone; a friend, a parent, a boyfriend who completely understood you. every couple of months you gradually lose a friend to another city, a diverging lifestyle or a significant other. you'd be fine if there was someone else who understood. but that's the whole point, isn't it?
me: (clears throat. in a shaky voice) um, ya.
him: so, i was just calling to say. it won't be long now. i know you've been waiting quite some time now, and you're beginning to lose hope. i know you're starting to wonder what the point of all this living and exploring and learning and hard work is if you don't know a single soul who will open their arms to you at the end of the night, or put their hand on your back as you walk into a room or listen with their chin in hand as you ramble about the things that make you laugh or cry. i know this. and i want to tell you, just hold out a bit longer. know that i'm out here. and that i know you. i've known you all your life just as you've known me. so, hold out a little while more. it won't be long now. i promise. ok?
me: (in a quite whisper) ok.
him: ok. well, i've gotta go now. but, i just wanted to let you know. so, you'd know it wouldn't be too long now. so you'd be ok. are you ok?
me: i think so.
guy: ok. i'll be talking to you soon. ok?
me: ok.
him: alright then. bye megan.
me: WAIT!
him: ya?
me: you promise?
him: i promise.
me: you swear?
him: i swear.
me: ok.
him: ok. talk to you soon.
me: ok. bye.
him: bye megan.