Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Kim C.
Oakland, California USA



Me: Hello?
L: Hi Kim
Me: Who is this?
L: Dad
Me: What kind of f**king joke is this? Who are you?
L: I'm sorry to startle you....it is me...I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time...
Me: If you don't tell me who you are, I'm hanging up
L: Listen, I don't know how to convince you...we don't usually get to do this...
Me: Do what? Harass people?
L: Make phone calls....look, how do i convince you? you were born two months after I was murdered...the guys who did it got away with only a slap on the wrist, you have a scar on your right on from breaking up a fight between two dogs when you were 10, you've had your stomach pumped once when you were 16, and you have never gotten over the way that one guy..the sophmore high school physics teacher? told you that you were going to sit in his class and fail like you deserved....
Me: ........
L: Look, I just want to talk
Me: um....
L: I know these things because I exist. ...
Me: Ok, this is not funny..how do you know that stuff?
L: I know you don't put weight in god or ghosts or spirits or afterlife...but you know I exist because at the very least, I exist in your mind, don't I? You wonder about me. You wonder what I was like, who I've loved, what I knew. You wonder don't you?
Me: ......
L: Kim, even though my body no longer exists and never will again, you see me don't you? Periodically in your life, you've thought of me and imagined me and felt for me haven't you? I've never disappeared from your consciousness. Will you humor me and talk to me now? For a short time....
Me: ok, I'll "humor you." Hope you're not calling collect because I'm not footing a long distance bill from wherever you are.. So.... You watch over me?
L: Yes I do. I'm glad you found me family. I know its hard to have grown up here and not have the language to connect with my...our family members. I'm glad you reached out to them though. I also want you to know...if I was there, I would have helped you....you've had some awful times, but you are such a strong woman. You've taken care of yourself for such a long time. You're resilient and I've seen that.
Me: Great! Thanks for the validation. Are you also watching me have sex?
L: I'm watching you grow. I'm watching you overcome poverty, sexism, racism, homophobia. I'm watching you struggle with your anger and fears and in my own way willing you strength. I will you hope. I will you the sense that I love you and I hope all of my willing reaches you and you'll be open to it...to believing that.
Me: This is too much...I'm done humoring you.
L: You're working towards your goals and you're happy with your relationship. Kim, I'm proud of you. I'm proud you're living your life the way you want to...don't be so hard on your mother, she has only known one way...
Me: Thanks for the advice..bye