Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Vancouver, British Columbia CANADA



Him: Hi!
Me: It's so good to hear from you!
Him: It's good to hear your voice, too. I've been getting better and better...feeling more energetic, more clear-thinking, more optimistic and positive.
Me: You sound really good. You know, I had a dream about you last night. You were visiting my house and you said you had a song to play for me. You played a song with lyrics that went "we've got no connection" or "our connection is breaking up" or something like that. Then I found a note that you'd started to write, saying that you couldn't relate to me anymore and we had to say goodbye for good. I felt scared and horrible about it.
Him: Well. That sounds shitty.
Me: Yep.
Him: But...
Me: But...
Him: I'm actually NOT calling to say goodbye! I'm calling to clear up some things that have been making things feel all confused and uncomfortable between us for the past, um, four years. At one point we were so close and so connected and it would suck if we lost that completely because of this confusion.
Me: I agree. I am so confused about how things went down. I can't get a grip on how I changed or how you changed. I know you're angry with me. I don't understand how I could have been better.
Him: I was angry. I was angry with the situation and I took it out on you. I'm sorry - I know it must have been really hurtful for you. I'm not angry anymore.
Me: I do understand. If I'm totally honest with myself, I know that I felt angry with you, too. At the time, you said that you felt I abandoned you. I really felt that you abandoned me and left me with a humungous burden of trying to be capable and strong and healthy and balanced and supportive (when I felt anything but capable and strong and healthy and balanced and supportive...I felt like I was falling to pieces).
Him: I know.
Me: But it was the situation I was angry at, too. You didn't actively leave me. You didn't have a choice. It was like a force of nature acting on us.
Him: And even though you did actively leave me, I understand that it would have been a self-destructive act for you to stay with me. I'm actually glad, for your sake, that you chose to leave. Another thing I want to apologize for is all the weird or unkind or hurtful things I might have said to you when I was really not thinking clearly. I know I really was not treating you in a supportive or loving way.
Me: Thanks for acknowledging that.
Him: There's no point going into specifics of what was said, but in retrospect I realize that a lot of it was completely... just completely bizarre and unkind, sometimes scary. I'm actually surprised that you stuck around and took everything I was throwing at you.
Me: Well, that's something I need to take responsibility for. I blamed so much on you - all my self-loathing and unhappiness. Now I know that it's my responsibility to take care of myself, and at the time I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I was letting my happiness be entirely tied up with you, and I was making you my scapegoat. That is not healthy, not cool at all. All that pressure and blame I put on you...it must have felt terrible. I'm sorry.
Him: Honestly, it did feel terrible. Everyone was making me feel like a sick, incapable person. Even though you stuck with me and tried to be supportive of me, I sometimes felt worse about myself because of how I saw you being affected by me.
Me: And I shouldn't have been so affected. I should have been more detached. More solid in myself and responsible for my own well-being.
Him: Well, I understand how you felt. I know you're still really tied up in what other people think of you and how other people deal with you. It's not ideal, but I understand it.
Me: Thanks. I'm working on that.
Him: I love you! Let's keep talking to each other and try to be open and understanding with each other, ok? I know we can find that closeness and connection again. I want to really be friends again.
Me: I am so, so, so, so, so, sooooo glad that you're feeling better! SO glad! Sometimes I've felt so deeply sad and scared for you...you're such a fine person! It sounds cheesy but you deserve to feel fully healthy and happy and bright. I am smiling a huge and happy smile! Keep feeling better and better, ok?
Him: I plan to!
Me: I love you.
Him: Let's talk soon.
Me: We will.