Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Ontario, CANADA



me: hello?
the ex: hi it's...
me: i know.
the ex: oh. so hi.
me: hi.
the ex: i know it's weird that i'm calling you.
me: well kinda. we haven't actually talked on the phone in forever.
the ex: i know. well, i just have been thinking about you lately and i suddenly wanted to call, so i just did.
me: well, i'm glad. i wouldn't want you to not call if you felt like it.so what's up?
the ex: i just...you have to know how much i miss you. do you? i mean, i miss you all the time. i see you out and we barely talk and we live our lives...but i think of you constantly and wonder how you are. but i know you're living your life and don't want to hear all this, but it's like i've been bottling it up inside for so long i had to tell you.
me: now. you're telling me all this now? i have been feeling this way for the better part of a year now and you haven't said a word. i would always try to talk to you and you'd run away. so why are you doing this now?
the ex: because no one has made me feel this way. i never had things end not on a bad note. i didn't know how to deal with everything given that i didn't hate you. and then when i did, for no reason except to move on, it was heartbreaking. i never wanted to hate you. i don't. so it was too much. i couldn't even deal with it. so i did everything else...you know just getting fucked up all the time. and now i'm seeing what it's like with other people finally. nothing major, just some bullshit...whatever. but i can't deny that i miss you. all the time.
me: so what do you want me to do with this information? i miss you too- but knowing about everything going on in your life is so hard. and i know. without you telling me, i know. and it's fucking hard.
the ex: i realise that. i mean, if you told me you were doing the same...well, i couldn't handle it. guess that's why i never ask you about it. but i don't know. as much as i am liking feeling life right now, there's a big part of me that misses us. nothing feels the way you did. and i don't expect it to. it's just caught me by surprise how much being with others makes me yearn for when i was with you.
me: (silence)
the ex: you there?
me: (deep breath) yeah, i'm here. it's just...it's just that i waited so long to hear you say that. so long. and i always thought i'd knew what i'd say back. but now...well, i don't know if i should. or if i can. i mean, you've been closed off for so many months. so many months. and now that you're opening up, i just can't seem to. i don't know if i can take that risk.
the ex: i understand. well, i guess all i can do is be honest with you now. you take some time to see what you want to do- what you're comfortable doing. i just couldn't pretend and hold it inside anymore. but i know you waited for me- you were always waiting for me. so i'll wait for you. you see what you want, and i'll wait.
me: ok. well, despite it all, i have to say it's nice to hear you being so honest.
the ex: thanks. god knows it took forever. so thank you for listening. i know you didn't have to.
me: but i always would. you know that. ok...i guess i'll talk to you when i talk to you...
the ex: ok...take care of yourself. please.
me: ok. i will...you too.
the ex: i will.
me: good. (deep breath) bye.
the ex: bye.