Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

Leyna Noel
Oakland, California USA



Me: Eric.
Eric: Hello there.
Me: You left so abruptly from practice last night.
E: I know. I just got so moody; it had been so long since I'd eaten.
Me: I wished you'd said goodbye to me. It felt bad; you didn't even look my way.
E: I'm sorry.
Me: It's alright.
E: What else?
Me: I went to sleep last night with an incredibly queasy feeling because I needed to cry so much about something but I could only cry a little bit; I was too sleepy to let it all out, but I couldn't think of sleeping until it came out a little.
E: Do you know what it was?
Me: I felt my love for you leaving my body. You're becoming successful, pushing me away.
E: Maybe that's the Want leaving...
Me: Maybe. Maybe I'm peeling back onion skin layers, just getting closer to the useable parts of me, the parts good for cooking. There was this huge grief also present, because I don't want to lose touch with the love I have for you. But you're pushing so hard back against me.
E: I told you. I'm pushing up hard against the world right now.
Me: But I feel it extra, like you're pushing me away because I love you, and you don't think I should.
E: Well, yeah, It's extra hard to be around you, because you see through my bullshit.
Me: I feel so excluded. Like you can go have such adventures with everyone else, but can't invite me. Why is that. I just loved you; I just tried my best to do that well. With the lights on in the house, with someone home.
E: I don't want you to feel locked out. I actually hold you very close to me, in a primary way. Just not on the outside, not always.
Me: Remember the night you asked me to stay and sleep beside you? When Jed fell asleep in your bed? We spoke so honestly to one another that night, almost in dropfuls of dew. You told me you would get freaked out again about our love, and you'd push me away. I said OK. OK.
E: It doesn't seem like it is OK.
Me: It hurts; I can't take it easy; I don't know how to do it.
E: I don't think I can help you.
Me: You told me you were going to break my heart, and that you didn't want to. Do you realize that you are setting about doing that right now?
E: No.
Me: Do you wanna break my heart?
E: Kind of. In a self-destructive way. But no. I don't want you to feel that kind of pain, especially not because of me. But I told you I would do that.
Me: You could say, instead, "I'm going to break your heart, but you're going to break mine too." Or, "Let me break your heart, and I will let you break mine."
E: Thank you for the privilege of breaking your heart.
Me: You are welcome.
E: (chuckles)
Me: You are.
E: I know. (sings) I am trying to break your heart/ but still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy...
Me: I know. It's true. I can be open, even to ache...
E: I love that about you.
Me: Me too. (sighs) We're still at sea level, ain't we.
E: Yep. Do you think you can hang in there a bit longer? I might be getting somewhere. I think I'm getting closer to figuring my shit out.
Me: Yes. I'll try my damndest.
E: Is there anything else?
Me: I guess I just want to say two words.
E: Shoot.
Me: Permit me.
E: I'll try.
Me: That's all. And thanks for hearing me and being open.
E: You too, thank you.
Me: See you around the bend.
E: See you soon.