Learning To Love You More




Assignment #52
Write the phone call you wish you could have.

C.H. JoAnn Park
Houston, Texas USA



Jason: Hello?
Me: Heyas, JasonBun. I've missed you. I've been trying to call. I know, right now, I'm your least favorite person to talk to. I can be a vexing woman.
Jason: You can be, yes, but also, I've been busy all weekend. I don't know how you find the time to do things like dote on me from 2,000 miles away.
Me: You're important to me.
Jason: You're important to me, but just because we haven't talked it doesn't mean I haven't wanted to hear from you. I always wonder what you're up to. I've just gotten better about acting upon impulse.
Me: I have poor impulse control....and also, I have separation issues. It's made me crazy not hearing from you, especially lately. I torture myself wondering if you aren't answering my calls because you're with someone else.
Jason: I know I've been stupid, Jo. I told you I stopped seeing her. I may not have been faithful to you, but I've been honest with you. There are plenty of reasons why I had to stop seeing her.
Me: Those being?
Jason: My first reason is you, Jo. The other reasons don't matter. You're the best girl I'll ever know, I'll ever have. I was stupid. I don't deserve you. I don't know why you're willing to stay.
Me: Because I love you, stupid. Because I'm in love with you. Because I'm stupid. Because I've been happy with you for so much longer. Because I'm willing to work this out because I want us to work.
Jason: I hurt you, though.
Me: I know. I've hurt your feelings too.
Jason: You would never have done this to me.
Me: You know I wouldn't, Jason. When I told you I was too in love with you to consider being with anyone else, I meant it. I mean, sure, there are loads of cute boys in town and I think they're all completely yummy, but, I gave my heart to you.
Jason: I haven't done a good job of taking care of it.
Me: You can always start. I haven't been the most supportive either, Jas. I remember right before you left I said to you, 'Don't go...' and I meant it, but at the same time, I was kidding too. You snapped at me and told me that you were going and that was it.
Jason: You made me feel guilty.
Me: I felt inconsequential. Plus, later after you had gone, you and I talked a few times about me moving out there. You would ask, 'So when are you moving out here?' and I would tell you, 'When there's a ring on my finger.' The third time or so we talked about it you snapped at me for that and said, rather flatly, that you were not going to ask me to marry you. I think you were concerned with money issues, which I could sympathize with, but I was heartbroken. [Tears well up in my eyes.] Also, never had I said to you, Jason, I need a fancypants ring. In fact, I told you I didn't want a diamond engagement ring and for the same reason I think roses are lame. Now, I wouldn't mind diamonds and roses, but I would much rather prefer something unique, something like me, like us. One of your gumball rings would have sufficed and I would have loved it more. I wanted you to go for it. I wanted you to make the big gesture and go for me. I called you. I asked you out. I kept calling you and hanging out with you. You just let it happen. You tolerated me. And this is so stupid, but I had a friend who once told me that the guy I was going to end up with was going to be the one to pursue me. Every relationship I've been in has been a result of my own gumption and, sometimes, poor judgment. I loved being with you, though. I could talk to you about our work and sciency things. [I say this with a huge smile] You were always game for anything. You would dance with me! In public! Also, the sex was perfect, but just being with you felt perfect. Plus, I'm a sucker for nerds. I thought it was utterly cute when I found out you were a D&D nerd. It just made me love you more. I've always known that I wanted you and I've known why. And I also know that I am a great catch, but I've needed to know that you know this too, especially since you left. A little bit could have gone a long way.
Jason: I always told you.
Me: Actions, Jas. You told me you missed me, but acted like you didn't.
Jason: Jo, it was hard needing you and not having you here and knowing virtually nobody here. You were my best friend.
Me: And you were my best friend, Jason. I'm friends, acquainted with a load of people here. All of our friends are here and I could be in a room, surrounded by them all, having fun, but long for you the entire time. I say, "Could be" as though it could be a possibility when in fact it's been the truth. It's happened.
Jason: So why aren't you here if you long for me so much? [he says this rather bitterly]
Me: Mostly, I'm stupid. Also, I didn't move for the reason you did. School, I have to finish my degree. I'm, like, this close to finishing my degree here. And, probably more importantly, we never really talked about it and you never asked me.
[more silence]
Jason: So what now?
Me: You know what I want, Jason. What is that you want?
[silence...much more than before]
Jason: I want you, Jo. You're still the girl I want to marry. I want us to be happy. I want you to be happy. I don't want us to spend the next year and a half fighting. And I also know that you're the only woman I have ever entertained having children with. I don't know how to handle this.
Me: Do you love me?
Jason: Yes, Jo, do you...love me?
Me: Of course. Are you still in love with me?
Jason: Of course, Jo, of course. Are you still in love with me?
Me: I am. So what do we do, Jason?
Jason: Can we forgive each other? Do you think we can?
Me: I think we can. I know it won't be easy, but I know I'm more than willing, Jas.
[silence...my heart feels as though it'll crack inside of my chest]
Jason: I haven't been good to you, Jo.
Me: We haven't been good to each other, but we can always try to be better. Neither of us is blameless. Neither of us can read minds. We have to be able to talk to each other about the hard things. We haven't.
Jason: You're right. I stonewall.
[more silence]
Me: So?
Jason: We can do this. I love you, Jo. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I want us, I want you, and I want to make this work.
Me: Okay.
Jason: Okay. I miss you, Jo; I love you so, so much.
Me: I love you too, Jason. I have to finish this paper. I'm glad we talked. Thanks.
Jason: Have a good night, JoBear. Good luck with your paper. Send me a copy when you finish?
Me: [laughing] Will do, sweets. We'll talk tomorrow?
Jason: Yeah
Me: G'night, hunbear.
Jason: 'Night, sweets. Love you.